Finding Inspiration Once Again #3

I am sitting in front of my computer looking for words to write. Today I could not find my spectacles so I had to wear lenses to work. I usually avoid wearing lenses while at work as I have to sit in front of the computer and my eyes get dry and the usual pain everyone who wears lenses can very easily associate with. While putting on my lenses I noticed a single strand of white hair on my head. My first grey/white hair. My sister has two or three. Few of my friends do too. My mother told me that it is believed that if you have a white hair that means you are gaining wisdom.

I have a set of 32 teeth since I was in 11^th class. I got ‘wisdom’ in my teeth in 2010 but I think it took 7 years for it to reach my brain.

I know I have used my brain more than I have in my entire life in the last two years and I know much more about the national and international affairs, but what is this wisdom that I have suddenly received?

I know it is just a saying, but I am hoping it helps me in solving my dilemma.

Sometimes I think growing up having Bollywood for breakfast, lunch and dinner and sometimes for snacks too has made me overdramatise everything in life.

One thing good about a movie is that it ends in 3 hours max and with the trailer you can more or less figure out the trailer. Can someone show me a movie of my life so that I know how far am I from the happily ever after?

Until that is possible, I will continue to sit in front of my computer and look for words to write…

Why I will never achieve greatness…

• I am too lazy, if ever there is an option of not doing a thing now and lying about it tomorrow I will not do a thing now
• I hate confrontations, I’d rather bury myself somewhere than talk to someone about some help I need in doing something or any random thing
• Since I do not do anything, I often worry about failure and then panic which lowers my productivity further
• I want to do a lot of thing but I only talk about the ideas never act on them, something that  I have been doing for the last few years
• I am lost and confused and overwhelmed

 

Finding Inspiration once again #1

*writing again ages later*

I am sitting in front of my computer looking for words to write. This is the first time in days that my mind is as blank as the screen in front of me. Lately, whenever I sat down to write words from all the different parts of my brain started screaming at me wanting to be let out. Today I ask them to give me some time alone, some time when I can listen  to the clatter of my keyboards as I type furiously before the thoughts come knocking again.

The bad thing about the silence is that I do not know what I should mention now and then I think why I should I be writing something in the first place: a problem that I have been living with for the past 6 months.

I want to put across a point but not in a half-hearted attempt. I want to write for myself but not something stupid and inconsequential.

I am entangled in the definitions of things. I want to break free and no one is stopping me. I can go and hide under my blanket and pour my heart out onto a paper but there is something that says stop, no you cannot do it you should not do it. It sounds stupid to think that someone’s mind is conflicted over something as simple as expressing. Someone told me that there is nothing wrong or right about comfortable writing, it is like comfortable clothing different people find different things comfortable. I worry whether I am stopping myself because others will judge me or is it my own scrutiny stopping me.

My stream of thoughts breaks free from the temporary barrier bringing the commotion back and I am left sitting in front of my computer looking for words to write…

Finding Inspiration #6

I am sitting in front of my laptop, trying to find words to write. I have to prepare for an exam that is tomorrow. The cluttered table in my room catches my attention more than the 7 tabs open on my laptop.
I have four diaries or journals in which I scribble things I want to in addition to this blog. My last entry was on 14th July 2015 in one and 23rd November 2015 in another with maybe one or two more rants penned down in between the two.
It is not like I have less to say, it is just my inability to express these days. My mind is as blank as the paper I stared at for a minute when I was trying to find something to write so that days later I can come back to this moment through my words.
This is the only form of time travel we have. When I read the lines, “I am just a girl, when will I become more?” that I had written in March last year, I go  back to being the college going girl who worried about her career prospects and her purpose in the world. I still don’t know what it was that I wanted to write and what is the “more” that I am talking about. 11 months later, these feelings still echo in my mind.
After being trained for 6 months on how to write a copy that is grammatically correct, factually consistent, has a flow in the structure, I can say with little confidence that I write better than before, but do I express better?
Why am I at a loss of words? Why don’t they escape my mouth like they did?
I cannot keep asking myself questions which don’t have immediate answers.
I should rather ask, “where is my Indian Express? And why haven’t I read it till now? It is mid noon already.”

I know it will take time to find answers to my questions. Until then, I will continue to sit in front of my laptop and look for words to write…