I am scared to leave my home

606 days ago I moved here. 676 days ago I decided that I want to pack the five years of my life in Delhi and leave, indefinitely. I knew I would return. Delhi is like that, it grows on you. Much has been written about the city and I do not want to add to the chorus. Delhi grew on me, in my habits, in my sleepiness and sleeplessness, in my appetite, in my orthopedic chappals, in my top knots and what not. I knew I would be back, because I knew that there were better opportunities in Delhi, that my life and my career would only grow if I was there. But, this move was a necessity — for every part of me, mental physical, career-wise, emotional, financial, intellectual, and if I can think of more words then those too. It was supposed to be temporary, like a transition. Oh, I am going back home and before you know it I will be back. I told my friends that by my next birthday I will be in town, why? Because.

By the time I realised that I was home, half a year had passed — not easily, but fast. There was anxiety that maybe I made a wrong decision, there was panic that I would always be stuck here, there was confusion about my future options, but there was also relaxation, and a sense of purpose, a feeling that I have gained real and valuable experience and knowledge, satisfaction that I had people near me who I could bank on completely. And similarly, one year was over. And I started looking for desperate excuses to stay back. I wanted to convince everyone that it was not out of choice that I would stay for another year maybe. However, it started to seem unnecessary… the only person who wanted excuses was myself, and I did not care, because no matter what, I was staying for another year. I had not been able to bask in the comfort and relaxed environment my home provided. So I was staying and I had one whole year ahead of me to make the decision of what next, all was fine for now. Somewhere along the way however, time sneaked up on me and seven months were gone before I knew it. I felt the clock ticking faster and my heart tried to match its rhythm. I knew that anything after two years at the same job in my position would not be a smart move. I was told by everyone that now is the time to explore, so, I intensified my search to look for legitimate reasons to stay back — a business opportunity or a professional exam that takes years of preparation… but nothing clicked, because there was no time, or no heart to do these things.

Now there is this one thing that I have been wanting to do since I gained some semblance in life and actually became a reasonable adult and I am working toward it. But, that would mean leaving home for a long long time. And it scares me. It scares me because I do not know how anything would be better than what it is here. And it is surprising because the way things have been this year the only being I feel connected to is my dog. She is old and is losing sight in one eye, she has become quiet but I know that she loves me more now. I have always taken care of her, but I take care of her more now. I do not know why, but I think she also feels a special kinship towards me.Even though the junctures in our life are completely different. I always feel that she is telling me that we are going through this together, whatever it is, her arthritis pain or my weird emotional imbalance. I know that she understands me and she knows that I do not feel okay many times and she tells me that she too does not feel okay all the time but that is fine. But, other than her I do not know what is holding me back here. I have learnt all that I could from this job and it is time to move on. Maybe another year in the same position and that is it after that I will reach a no growth zone which is already disturbing me. I do not have friends here, on some occasions I miss the feel of being with people my age and “doing things” and what not. A confusing feeling because I am intentionally not talking to all the people I miss time and again.

Then I worry because I have no reason to stay and no reason to leave and I know that all of this is due to the internal drama in my head which I do not know how to solve. I always liked mathematics, you had to put a formula and you would get an answer. But, there is no formula in life, no one can come and tell me oh do this do this and everything will be okay. I am so worried about everything that is about to happen now.Will I be happy in my career five years from now? Will I have the financial independence to do what I want? Will I be successful? Will I have a happy and healthy life?

For every question my mind says no. In school, we had a break after every class and then we were told what we were to do next year. I am waiting for this class to get over so I can get a break and someone can tell me what I have to do next.

Why does everything look so bleak, maybe that is why I do not want to leave home, because I know that whatever happens will be worse than this?

I have heard about taking the leap and giving into life and all crazy hakuna matata theories, but who are these people who follow this? Is this the “millennial” depression syndrome, everyone seems to be having? I have more questions than I can handle. I do not even need an answer.

All I know is that I want nothing to change but I am bored of this, I do not want to be stuck here forever but, I am scared to leave home.

I don’t want to be the blooper girl

I introduced an error in a newspaper report that went into print yesterday – which is a sin in print media. An editor is supposed to pick out the error not insert any. We had to issue a corrigendum. I am ashamed. I always take care while editing, even minute things that do not matter anymore. But I do, because like I have said multiple times I love my work. I always try to put in extra effort so that whatever I do is good for the paper and my self and yet it happened. It had to happen, when I was adding the line something went off in my brain but I ignored it, it had to happen because people usually re-read copies but somehow that point was missed. I am ashamed that it is my fault taht something like that has happened. I know, for everyone it’s like a normal day in the life of an editor and yes I agree. It’s not the end of the world. Tomorrow is a new day and people will forget about it might have already. But I cannot, it seems much more bigger to me. It is an indication that no matter how hard I try, I falter. Unknowingly. I get distracted or I miss something or I just don’t know. Why did it happen to me and not the other people at work who do not work as hard as me? Do I think too highly of myself. I have found, proof-read, polished errors in copies edited by other people before – did I think no one will be able to find in mine? I wanted that to be the case.  I have let down the people who thought I could do some work. Why I have come here instead of scribbling in my notebook is beside me. The tap tap of the keypad is a better distraction than the scratch scratch of the pen in the middle of the night. I did not want answers I wanted to vent and find the strength maybe to go to work again tomorrow. I know it’s not a big deal but I don’t want to be scared of making mistakes. If I am then this will be the last mistake I will ever make and most probably the last time I learn anything. But I don’t want to be the blooper girl. I don’t want my life to be riddled with mistakes. I don’t want my career in journalism to become like my life – vague and plain.  I want it to go where I want it to be. More than often I feel that right now I am just flailing my arms in the ocean. I want to stop swimming and I know if I do I will drown but I don’t wanna drown. And I feel like I am just about to drown every week. 

And I don’t wanna drown. But most importantly I don’t want to be ‘the blooper girl’.