Posted in Midnight musings, Random

Sleepless nights #1

I don’t know what it is that keeps a person sane in this ever so maddening world. You wake up one day to realise that everything you believe in has been smashed to smithereens and you had been soundly asleep by then. Everyone expects you to “grow up” about it. Like nothing happened.

I and many others hate the word growing up. Why? What is happening. Why can’t we actually just grow up. I remember my 10th birthday. Getting a double digit in my age was an exciting experience. Growing up was exciting. There were dreams about growing up, taking up a job, living alone, surviving alone, maybe marrying someone you love. Going to holidays, laughing loudly making memories.

When did these simple things become too much too ask. Was an entire generation fed lies while growing up, why is there so much dissatisfaction.

Why have people, people you called/considered friends become evil. Why in a world with unlimited connectivity, there are more misunderstanding?

I want to know just where did I or everyone else who can relate to me go wrong. Why is it that we are facing trouble just being. Merely existing is such a big task, and no the answer to this inst death because I want to know what did I do wrong that I do not have the right to the life I wanted. Even after having almost everything why is there the crippling self-doubt always my only true friend.

Which brings me to the question where are my friends? Who are my friends? We were supposed to be each other’s guiding light, but now all I see is darkness and I am trying to desperately hold onto something but all I catch is air.

What happened exactly? Is it just me making things up, or something else? Who has the answers?

Please tell.

Posted in Midnight musings

Tumultous night

There is something good coming out of my anxiety these days. It translates into these little notes I keep writing to myself. My journey with my mind. There are days that pass in a blink of an eye. There are days in which every second is a lifetime. What do you do then? How do you inch forward each and every second. Specially at night when the entire world is asleep. A dog barks outside from time to time. Even your dog has come around to ignore it. You can hear every small movement. Your own breath is too loud and everything is silent. The mosquitoes decide it’s their feast time and your brain refuses to rest. It wants to show you every thing at once. Your heart is matching it’s pace. Trying to outrun the mind. Both are racing against each other and in the process you are consumed. But not tired, you lie down to sleep but the stillness is scary you sit up and engage yourself the movement is too much. The only peace in this chaos is the clatter of the keyboard. Rhythmic. You’ve typed so much ghat now you can identify the backspace and enter key. You don’t want it to stop because this is the only thing that brings some semblance in your body. Your mind is looking for newer words to weave together. The knotted thoughts are now standing in line waiting for their turn on the screen. Your heart also is soothed by the khat khat khat and there is a comfortable silence all around. The mosquitoes have found someone else to bother. The dog still howls once a while and your little puppy comes to you and places her head on your lap. All is fine again…

Posted in Finding Inspiration, Random

I love trees

Trees, green leafy trees, tall trees, short trees, fruit-bearing trees, flowering trees, trees, trees, trees everywhere trees is what I have grown up with.  I love trees. When I look at them I feel happy. When I sit under them I feel safe. When I look at how tall they are I feel amazed. I love trees. I have said this multiple times I will say it again. Any place is 100 times more beautiful with trees around.

Gulmohar trees are my favourite. 1. Because they are so huge — they are tall and their branches are spread out wide. 2. Their flowers are red. 3. During fall, the entire ground beneath them is covered with red flowers every day. 4. With the big branches you can sit under its shade and watch the time pass by.

Every tree is beautiful for a different reason. In my school, there was a banayan tree which was huge, its shade was a place for all of us to rest, it was sort of a landmark, friends in the break time met there. My mother when she would come to pick us up would ask us to wait under the tree.

A palm tree hidden somewhere between the thick roots of the tree had grown with the banayan tree. From a distance you could see the palm tree cutting through the dense leaves over the banayan. I cannot draw as pretty a picture; I wish I had a photo of it. There were many stories around that tree; how one of the trees in previous life was a sinner and they had wronged the other tree so in the next life they had to live dependent on the other one. I am assuming the palm tree was the sinner.

Other than this ethically wrong tree, I remember many other trees that I have lived with in my life. The first tree I planted was guava, for lack of any better name I called it Amrudu (guava is known as amrud in Hindi). Every day few minutes I would dedicat to watering amrudu. I looked after it for as long as we stayed in the house. Now, it must be around 14 years. It is funny how if I ever go back I will never be able to identify it. I remember it so fondly, as it was the first tree I ever planted. I remember planting many trees as I would throw seeds in the mud hoping they will sprout since I had learnt that seeds turn to trees. Sadly, none of them ever grew up, making amrudu my first.

Now, for the first time, we are living in a house which has very less trees around us. We are trying to compensate by planting creepers and small bushes and lots of grass, and big ferns. We will also plant trees. On deciding which ones I had tough time figuring out my top 5 choices. Gulmohar of course is the uncontested winner. Then there is amaltas — another flowering tree, beautiful yellow flowers, there is also the Jacaranda tree, again beautiful purple colour, every fall the purple flowers create a blanket on the grass. Absolute delight. Guava trees — small plus they bear fruit every winter. Mango trees, main reason mango and the other reason the shape and the smell of it. I wanted to add pomegranate too because it has very beautiful flowers before the fruit goes out, but neem tree had to take precedence over pomegranate.

There is another tree, nice leaves in shape of flowers, deciduous plant, name I do not know and could never find out. Since I did not know the name, it had to be out of the list.

Few days ago, some people cut a tree near our house. It was no special tree but it was a sad thing to watch, sadder because it was not harming anyone. Someone said that it had grown old and could “fall” anytime; silly excuse and the intelligent minds decided that it should not be there and the next day it was not. I could not do anything, because by the time I found out it was already dead. Now, I think that I could have done nothing also, what would I have said?

Today I came across an article about the Ken-Betwa project. It listed the ecological disasters very easily something that people have been saying for the longest time.

My rant on one corner of the internet will not do anything I know. I have already accepted myself to be very weak in this strong world and even if I wanted to do anything this is not the way to go about it.

But, there are people who make sense when they talk, speaking about it giving arguments yet everything is happening and it will happen and we would be left watching things be destroyed around us.

I wanted to write a lot of things about the actual environmental hazard that we are all heading towards but I do not want to because there are better people talking about it.

All I want to say, is that I love trees and any place is 100 times more beautiful with trees around.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Finding Inspiration, Midnight musings, Random

Where are the touch me not plants?

When I was around 4 or 5 my family was living in Betul, a very small town in Madhya Pradesh. Major chunk of my day was spent outdoors, climbing trees, fighting with my sister, plucking flowers, dirtying my feet in the mud and touching the touch-me-not plant. My parents always told me that trees are living beings— but they never made any movements or did anything that living beings do, I was always confused.

My sister also would tell me not to disturb the trees at night as they were sleeping. I found it very hard to believe that those beautiful green leafy tall things were not “lifeless”. The touch-me-nots were the only ones who gave any proof of life to me and as a child it was one of the most fascinating things for me. I think  it still is.

We had a huge row of the “chuimui” plants in our house and one of my favourite pass times was to be around them run my hands over them, watch the leaves come together and then wait for them expectantly to open again only to repeat the process all over again.

My mother saw this opportunity to teach me about stimulus and plant world but I could not care about what she had to say. I let her fill the silence as I waited for the leaves to open.

As I grew old and we changed cities I never came across the plant again. It has been 18 years or so.

I know it’s a weird fascination – to bother a plant. But it is one of the most beautiful things of my life. Some thing getting back to its “normal” state all by itself even after being made to do the exact opposite multiple times. No matter how many time you touch the leaves, they open up again, never stopping for once. I know all of this have a scientific explanation backing it.

But, somehow the whole thought around it is very comforting, especially now when I think I have  become like a touch-me-not plant.

Shutting myself, everything out as soon as something slightly uncomfortable happens in my surrounding, something if a thought is discomforting, everything around me closes, I try to hide from the world, myself.

Unlike the touch-me-not I  cannot find the strength to open up again ready to face the other “touch” or push coming my way.

Today after so many years I want to be around a touch-me-not again because I want to see for myself whether it is possible for anyone/anything to go move on, stand up, normalise even after being trouble over and over again. I want to see that there exists a phenomenon like this somewhere, no matter how small or inconsequential it maybe….

Posted in Random

Midnight musings…

Today was a very sad day, for various reasons. One of those days when all you want to do is cry your eyes out. There is a catch in your throat but you can’t seem to do anything about it. I don’t want to get into the boring details of what it was that triggered such immense sadness – it was multiple things collected over days deciding today was the day when I have had enough. I remember the time when I was in first year of my college in 2012. Star world india started showing Grey’s Anatomy season 1. I was getting used to living all by myself in Delhi and I got hooked on the show. I got hold of all the seasons and watched it day in day out. Crying with the characters made it easier for me to cry uncontrollably. If there was something extremely devastating I would play it again and cry some more waiting for all the grief in my heart to find its escape. It was a comfortable ritual, crying with Grey’s Anatomy. Telling other people that the show made you very emotional. I remember this one episode when two best friends visit the hospital and how both of them have been together since birth and there was this “cradle to grave” thing that they kept on saying and the sick friend decides to stay with her parents in her last days and something on the same lines. I cried for half an hour extra after finishing the episode even more so because at that time I wasn’t getting along with my childhood friend. Even though our situation wasn’t remotely close. I found solace in some fictional character’s sadness.

Which brings me back to today. Today was a sad day and also a busy day. Things were okay at work, in addition to mental discomfort I was also in physical discomfort due to mild sickness.

Coming back home and lying on my warm bed was all that I needed to cry the day’s due. And I did, and with the tears came the images of many things of people, of things that happened in the last few days, of the things that happened in the last few years, of the terrible mistakes I’ve made, of death and the list can go on. I was crying but not with the intensity I had hoped and then I had an urge to watch Grey’s Anatomy again so that it can help me release the sadness cramped up inside me.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Random, Uncategorized

Waiting and sitting, sitting and waiting…

Sitting and waiting for work to start. Friday today. My weekly offs are Thursday. So today is technically my Monday. No Monday blues as of now. Waiting for a vacation, have worked continuously for three months with only the required one off per week.

Waiting for work to start. Newsrooms very dull till 6 then suddenly so much activity, there are days when I have to find time to pee there are days when I have to sit and surf the internet due to lack of work. There are two stories already do not want to edit. Had coffee before coming to work feeling slightly less muddled. Do not want to read news stories though no matter how much I read there is always something left to read so today I will write, nice pass time writing nonsense.

Feeling cold, the temperature is set very low, do Indian offices overcompensate for the fact that we did not have central air conditioning for a very long time and now that we have we should cool the entire building like its Kashmir. Pointless to tell the office staff to turn the temperature up, I always do they nod their head and I continue to feel cold. It is not even hot outside yet. I am wearing full sleeves and still my hands and feet are cold. I think I will have to get a hoodie to wear in office.

Two big television in office, one running National news channel, the other regional, I love watching the ads so funny even now. I like reading news better, easy simpler, if you do not understand anything you can very easily read it again, in case you miss the news on television you have tough time following it up, I know exaggeration with the tough time following but whatever I feel so. I like newspapers and magazines more, online news very sketchy, the news in newspaper and magazine very organised.

I do not know why I am discussing the different forms of media. Cannot wait for 29th vacation time. 2 more weeks to go. Breaks are very important, I love my job but I need a break so that I continue to love it, I am still having fun, but I want a break to refresh myself. Two three days no work only fun. I have become Jack, all work and no play makes Jack a dull girl. I am a dull girl. Just two more weeks until holiday. Yay.

Too many people moving around in the office, and the watch says 18:05.