Posted in Uncategorized

How do you preserve a memory

I don’t think we have made any technical advancement until we can retrieve a memory and play it on a screen — like a Penseive in Harry Potter.

How do you preserve a memory? Does going through it over and over again in your head, keep it as fresh as it was the first time it happened. Doesn’t time roughs it up a little? How do you make sure you remember every single thing about every single thing? I have never met anyone with a photographic memory? What happens to those people, do they remember everything in its entirety and exactness?

My mama has been battling cancer everyday for the last few years of his life. It’s gotten so bad now that all his memories are muddled. I don’t know why typing all this sounds rude to me, like I am making a mistake… But it’s the truth, everything is jumbled up in his brain. But, we and I still remember everything quite nicely — like not episodes but  flashes. We used to go to his house in summer vacations, so there exist 3-5 second clips of our stay during that time. The yellow walls, the big room, the airy terrace, the scooter rides, the visit to chaat corner. Not the entire event, but in bits and pieces. I remember mama too, I know I sound so dramatic, that I remember him and all, I remember him in conscious memory and it is not a big deal, but you know from when I was a child.

Specially the scooter rides, I don’t know what he did when he stressed on a point, was it a slight tilt of the head, or a click of the tongue, it’s difficult to describe, one of my cousins still does it. I hate this talking in past tense. I don’t understand it, but it is the truth. I remember more things, too personal to write. The tall frame, the kindness, the love and care — all this and much more surrounded by the yellow walls. This thing is vague, I know there is no point, I just want to write because it might help me ease the confusion.

Back to where I was.

As we grew up, we got busy in our lives and we no longer met everyone in our family every year, but you know that everyone is going to be there at the same place and you can have all those scooter rides, and softy and water park and elephant park and boating in Ganga anyday, you just have to pack your bags and catch the train. There is still time, we have to study for the exam now. But then the exams didn’t end and the institutions changed and now maybe we will never be going back to the same place ever again. The yellow walls will be there always, but the love and care is threatened. And I have been trying so hard to preserve that. To keep it safe. Lock it somewhere. So that I can recreate it again if we ever have a technology. But we don’t, so what should I do now? What if when there does exist such a thing, we have to choose only a few. Which one do I save then? How do I go back to the original file, feel everything so that I can retrace it. What should I keep, the time when I was 5 and jumped idiotically from my mama’s piggyback and landed chin first on the floor — I still have a scar from that, or the one when I did not ‘make time’ to meet him when he was in Delhi for work, or just the yellow walls and blue scooter rides?

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Posted in Uncategorized

Reason I will never achieve greatness #3

1. Anxiety. I worry  too much and spend all my energies on worrying before actually doing something.

2. BecauSe of 1. I look for the easy way out. The easiest way being quiting.

3. Insecurity and jealously take over mu mind clouding my thought process.

4. I need help but I do not know who to ask.

5. I want to hide inside a blanket and sleep forever.

Posted in Random, Uncategorized

Waiting and sitting, sitting and waiting…

Sitting and waiting for work to start. Friday today. My weekly offs are Thursday. So today is technically my Monday. No Monday blues as of now. Waiting for a vacation, have worked continuously for three months with only the required one off per week.

Waiting for work to start. Newsrooms very dull till 6 then suddenly so much activity, there are days when I have to find time to pee there are days when I have to sit and surf the internet due to lack of work. There are two stories already do not want to edit. Had coffee before coming to work feeling slightly less muddled. Do not want to read news stories though no matter how much I read there is always something left to read so today I will write, nice pass time writing nonsense.

Feeling cold, the temperature is set very low, do Indian offices overcompensate for the fact that we did not have central air conditioning for a very long time and now that we have we should cool the entire building like its Kashmir. Pointless to tell the office staff to turn the temperature up, I always do they nod their head and I continue to feel cold. It is not even hot outside yet. I am wearing full sleeves and still my hands and feet are cold. I think I will have to get a hoodie to wear in office.

Two big television in office, one running National news channel, the other regional, I love watching the ads so funny even now. I like reading news better, easy simpler, if you do not understand anything you can very easily read it again, in case you miss the news on television you have tough time following it up, I know exaggeration with the tough time following but whatever I feel so. I like newspapers and magazines more, online news very sketchy, the news in newspaper and magazine very organised.

I do not know why I am discussing the different forms of media. Cannot wait for 29th vacation time. 2 more weeks to go. Breaks are very important, I love my job but I need a break so that I continue to love it, I am still having fun, but I want a break to refresh myself. Two three days no work only fun. I have become Jack, all work and no play makes Jack a dull girl. I am a dull girl. Just two more weeks until holiday. Yay.

Too many people moving around in the office, and the watch says 18:05.

Posted in Uncategorized

Why I will never achieve greatness…

  • I am too lazy, if ever there is an option of not doing a thing now and lying about it tomorrow I will not do a thing now
  • I hate confrontations, I’d rather bury myself somewhere than talk to someone about some help I need in doing something or any random thing
  • Since I do not do anything, I often worry about failure and then panic which lowers my productivity further
  • I want to do a lot of thing but I only talk about the ideas never act on them, something that  I have been doing for the last few years
  • I am lost and confused and overwhelmed

 

Posted in Finding Inspiration, Uncategorized

Finding Inspiration #10

I am sitting in front of my laptop trying to think of words to write, the hot winds have forced me to shut my balcony door. The sound of the rustle of the leaves and the freshness of the breeze are not my companion anymore.
My fingers are typing furiously, but no other part of my body is in the mood to move. I do not want to stretch my hands to pick up the bottle of water lying next to me- my parched throat seems like a better option. Similarly, a mosquito or two comes and buzzes something in my year I will not however switch on the ‘all out’.
I am sleepy but I cannot sleep. Things that happened over the past week flash in front of my eyes. I think the reason I do not like watching television is because of the continuous television going on in my mind.
Questions which make no sense spring up in my mind time to time. Why did I cry today after being the happiest person on this earth two days back?
All that glitters is not gold, one of the few things my mother told me, why does even after learning and knowing everything, the sparkle of things attract me? Why do I end up making a fool of myself like children do- however they are unabashed by it I on the other hand not so much.

I wonder if there will ever be a day, when I am satisfied with everything that happens. Someone once told me to be satisfied is to kill ambition, then I think what is ambition? My ambition I thought was to be the most intelligent person in this universe, then I thought that I should become the richest in this world, but after living away from my family, my trees and my self for long, I know now that my ambition is to be the happiest.
To have days where my stomach hurts from laughing too much. To have my loved ones around me all the time. To sit under the gulmohar tree and listen to the sound of the birds chirping in the garden. To hug my dog and read my favourite book. To be happy and be content. But, I know for now I cannot do any of this so I will continue to sit in front of my laptop and look for words to write…

Posted in Finding Inspiration, Uncategorized

Finding Inspiration #9

I am sitting in front of my laptop looking for words to write. I am working as a reporter now in Gurgaon. Like always I am again amazed at how I have slipped into the role of a professional rather than being a student.
I take the metro from Lajpat Nagar changing at three stations to reach my office in Udyog Vihar. Four hours of my life everyday go in travelling to and from my office. My job requires me to meet new people everyday. I wonder the people who I travel with everyday are also new. I see them everyday and never talk. There are days when the conversation of the woman standing next to me complaining about her mother in law to her mother entertain me. I know her mother has knee pain and her husband loves rajma. The other woman who loves her ‘ PG wali aunty’ and does not have the strength to cook after reaching home reminds me of myself. And another old woman who wears the same golden earrings as my nani makes me smile. All of these people I will never see, but I know details about them- some may say useless but definitive. Does anyone remember seeing me as well? In the background- the clumsy girl with huge dark circles? Or the one who hits everyone with her copy of Indian Express? or the one that has been reading the last 20 pages of ‘Hundred years of solitude’ for 20 days and still never completes? Or the one that plonks herself on the metro floor wherever she finds a place? I will never know. What I do know is that I see lesser smiles everyday.
It is a collection of faces that are still- passing time to reach back home, some are on their phone, some have books, some stare at others, but they hardly smile. 13 days into the internship and worn out with the rut I am becoming one of those smile-less faces.
I will try and smile more, maybe at the woman who has my nani’s golden earrings or maybe I will continue to sit in front of my laptop, thinking of words to write…

Posted in Finding Inspiration, Uncategorized

Finding Inspiration #8

I am sitting in front of the laptop trying to look for words to write. I am in Bhopal, with my family. The wind is howling and the windows bang against each other noisily- this is the only sound. Everything else is quite here. The clacking of my keyboard and Snow’s breathing are my only companion. The infection in my right eye does not allow me to see the screen clearly and I scrunch my eyes shut time and again to ease the irritation.
Coming back home made me realise, how unhealthy the two months had made me. With dark bags under the eye to inflammation of lymph nodes, my body in addition to my mind demanded a break from Delhi. In my two days at Bhopal, I have stuffed myself with enough food to last a week. The first meal that I had at home, had my heart expanding at every bite I took. Such was the happiness.
I have been longing for this, this feeling of home. Shutting myself from the rest of the world again seemed like a good idea to enjoy the experience of home even more. I want to ask, exactly when will my parents smile and presence stop being comforting? No matter what I did, this peace that I have at the moment, I could not achieve, it is them and them alone responsible for the smile on my face, the skip in  my step and the assertiveness in my voice.

I thought myself to be stupid when  I used to cry every time when I left the house, for three years in a row while my other friends had no problem. But, I cannot seem to grow up so much ever that I can comfortably leave my home.
This last year away from my home and busy in so many things has made me appreciate this feeling even more.

I plan to spend the rest of my days at home lying on the ground just looking at the blue sky, not caring about a thing in the world.

The wind moves the curtains and rustles the branches of the trees outside, bringing with it smell of wet mud.  A smile escapes my lips as I sit in front of my laptop looking for words to write…