I am confused. I hate the word confused so much because I think I have overused it in my life. I have been alive 22 years, 8 months and 13 days as of today if the calculation is correct and I have said this word ten thousand and two hundred and annoying times.
I do not know whether I have my vocabulary to blame — which just proves my point that I am confused. Or I am abashed, addled, agitated, befuddled, bemused, bewildered, blurred, cluttered, confounded, demoralised, disarranged, discomfited, disoriented, distracted, disturbed, dumbfounded, embroiled, flustered, mystified, obscured, perplexed, perturbed, puzzled, stewed, stirred up, tangled, turbulent, unsettled, upset — thanks to the Oxford Thesaurus.
You get the idea. I am confused. I am confused because I do not know what to do, and before you brush it off as a general rant, hear me out because I will make sense, or I will try to. I do not know what to do. I know I have to get up in the morning, brush my teeth, empty my bowels, eat a ‘king sized breakfast’, drink lots of water, clean myself, eat healthy and nutritious food, read read read, reach office on time, edit edit edit, make pages make pages make pages, come back home and sleep early so that I wake up on time. But, why should I do this? I do not know where is it that doing all this is going to take me.
In school, if I studied now I would get good marks in Half Yearly Examination, if I complete my homework in the afternoon, I can watch DDLJ in the evening. If I finish making notes of Organic Chemistry today Mumma will let me go to my friend’s house tomorrow.
If I do not go to office, it will be deducted from my leaves, worst come worst they will deduct my money, after a while they will fire me, and maybe black list me for not turning up. Negative reinforcement and what not. Bad example because I like going to work, except for a few dull days here and there I always like it. But, I do not know what is it that will happen next. Till now, my life has been in a sort of lull, a happy lull. Things were fine, good also, there were times when you can say they were great, I was on the top of the world and everything was nice, and sugar and spice and all those things. I never thought much, maybe I assumed that life would continue to be like this and maybe it is but now I want something else. I never really tried very hard for anything, I wanted a lot of things but like I said I assumed I thought I would get it because that is what happens, or it used to, or maybe it never did? I never had a ‘burning passion’ for anything, I was ambitious yes but not with the ‘fire of a thousand suns’, again like I said I assumed everything would come to me, or maybe this was it? Or I do not know.
The thing is that I do not know anymore, am I working hard right now, because I will be able to watch the metaphorical DDLJ later in life? Earlier I could check in the newspapers what time DDLJ will be screened, now? How do I check, whether there is a channel that will show the movie, do I have the channel? What should I do? I do not know why am I doing the things I am doing? Should I make all my notes and catch up on all my reading and learn about the upcoming Assembly elections in Madhya Pradesh and figure out the politics so that Mumma lets me go to my friend’s house. And I know karam karte jao par fal ki chinta mat karo but it is a worrying thought?
I told you I am confused, there are so many conflicting thoughts in my head. It is like the thoughts in my brain have gone through a divorce and they are forced to stay together because they worry about their child which is me. The thing is I know they must be doing this out of love, but their constant conflicts just leave me in a daze.
I am DISCOMFITED because I wonder what happens to people like me, in movies and books there are always overachievers and underachievers, achieving things and learning lessons and becoming super-duper achievers. What about just people, what happens to us, what do we have to do? Is there a support group for us Averagers Anonymous or something like that. Or do we sit on our big computers and type about the long gone days at the age of 22. I am DISARRANGED because I worry if I have started complaining about my life and I have irrational spells of nostalgia after only being alive for two decades how are the next years of my life going to work out? Forty to fifty years of why why how who why why question question question stupid life why why who why why why why why please why tell tell so idiotic, why why confusion, idiots why who who how how why why why why why why why why why why why why and I will be fed up of myself.
So what happens? That is what UNSETTLES and PUZZLES me. I am STEWED by this thought, FLUSTERED and EMBROILED, I am BEFUDDLED and BEWILDERED.
I am confused.